Saturday, August 14, 2010

I suk

I have just read over this blog and it sucks. I'm shutting it down, trying something different. Maybe I won't bore myself to tears this time.

New Goal

So, I'm one of those people who doesn't do well with maintaining a good workout routine if I don't have a specific goal set (for example, The Warrior Dash earlier this summer). I've been searching high and low for something to set my sights on this fall and I've found it - The Men's Health Urbanathlon in Chicago, IL. I've signed up as an individual competitor (like a dummy) so the race will be over 9.5 miles, including the insane obstacles, such as running the steps in Soldier Field.

In order to train for this mother, I had to step up my program a bit. I finally got back to full duty (stupid weak ankles) and started CrossFit Endurance two weeks ago, as well as tweaking my diet so I cheat with pizza and toast less often. I'm already seeing results.

During some of my endurance runs, I've been wearing my 50 pound weight vest. (It makes running without one seem a hell of a lot easier.) It's been so fucking hot here that my max run with the vest was a 3K in 93 degree heat and a 106 degree heat index. I swear I need SCUBA gear to breathe outside.

The Urbanathlon should be fun and challenging. My max distance in a race so far was the Bix in 2008, which is 7 miles uphill both ways. No bullshit, it really is.

On an unrelated note, I took B (a.k.a. Mini Me) on her first real roller coaster. She had no idea what I had gotten her in to until we tipped up and over that first hill and plummeted toward the earth. She screamed like she thought she was going to die. No kidding. I thought it was the last roller coaster she'd ever get on. At the end, she was giggling and talking non-stop about it. Two hours later, she was asking to go again. Of course I took her. Now she's hooked.

I'm taking Mini Me to her first beach trip, which by default also requires her to complete her first jet ride. We're also going to go to Disney World. They have no idea what they're in for.

2nd best blog ever.

This was posted on another one of my favorite blogs, Moms Who Drink And Swear. I'm going to start one for Mini Me ASAP.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

My GF found this blog and I've been laughing out loud all alone in my office all day about it. Had to share. Sneaky Hate Spiral.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Light Duty Sux

So, I tweaked my ankle at work pretty good... nope, no cool story to go along with it. I was walking. Seriously. But it was at work, so there's one tiny little bright spot. I guess.

The injury has had me on light duty for about 2 weeks now and in physical therapy. All of this has really set back the progresss I had been making. One of my goals was to be able to do a legit handstand and I'm nearly there...

Anyway, I'm finally able to actually do some exercise at PT after a 2 week layoff. I'm really looking forward to getting back to it. I've got to find another event to train for...

CrossFit Games 2010 Adidas Commercial

Watching the Crossfit Games while on Light Duty was a beyotch. All kinds of motivation with nowhere to put it.

True Colors

It's amazing to me how clearly I'm seeing people for who and what they are now. And how blinded I've been in the past. Last week, I took B out of town for a mother/daughter road trip. We had a great time and I hated that it had to end. It was just B and me and we made the most out of the quality time.

On our way home, I thought it might be a good opportunity to pick her brain a little bit about life in general. I like to guage how she's doing with the divorce and the presence of new people in her parents' lives. So, I brought Her up and asked B what she thought. B and I have been living with Her for about 4 months now and it's gone really, really well. B seems very happy and adjusted to the new surroundings.

When I started to try to explain that She is my Girlfriend (weirdest conversation ever), B interrupted me and said, "Mommy, don't get married". I was nowhere near the M-word in my conversation. It hadn't even entered my stream of conscious thought at that point. I was very surprised and wondered where that came from, so I asked B. B answered that The Ex's judgemental "Good Christian" younger sister, who I'll call Aunt Judgy, had told her that "Jesus doesn't like when girls marry girls and boys marry boys".

Now, up until this point, I understood that The Ex's family was never going to be okay with my lifestyle and I had accepted that. There was going to be no changing their opinion and I have never been interested in trying. I was perfectly happy with live and let live, agree to disagree. This, however, was over the line for me. I felt like Aunt Judgy was trying to sabatoge my relationship with my child and brainwash her into believing the same hateful bullshit the whole family buys into. This is the same family who, two years ago Thanksgiving, was having a family discussion after Thanksgiving dinner about why "the ni**ers can't govern themselves because they're too stupid". Seriously. I wondered when the white hoods were going to be brought out.

The same family who adamantly believe that Barack Obama is the anti-Christ. Now, I'm no Obama fan by any stretch of the imagination, but I figure that if Hitler wasn't the anti-Christ, then certainly Obama isn't either. But no, they say that it's in the Chapter of Revelations. Really? Obama is in the Bible? Wow, the dude really gets around.

This is the same Aunt who told B that "Jesus hates tattoos" (I have 4 and The Ex has 1 that he hides from his family) and has taught my kid the difference in skin color - B suddenly started remarking about how some people are "dark skinned" and we have "blush-colored" skin. Again, when I asked who told her about that, it was Aunt Judgy.

None of this is okay with me. I'm not what anyone, including myself, would consider a devout anything. My religious beliefs are conflicted at best. I don't really know what I believe as far as an afterlife and a greater being are concerned. What I do know is this: I was raised to treat everyone equally and with respect, no matter who or what they are, until they personally give you a reason not to.

I was raised Lutheran and was given a thorough Christian education from childhood through high school. I understand the core concepts and the beliefs many Christians hold. I also understand the Bible and find it very difficult to accept when "true believers" such as Aunt Judgy pick and choose which portions they are going to apply literally and which parts they're going to pretend don't exist. For example (my favorite example), the chapter dealing with Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis Chapter 19). There is much discussion about WHY Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed. I'm not going to get into that, I'm no biblical scholar.

What I do find interesting are two things that happen after the cities are destroyed. First, Lot's wife is told by the Angels not to look back at the cities burning as they fled. She did anyway and was turned into a pillar of salt for it. Hmmm....

Second, after fleeing the city, Lot and his two daughters hide in the mountains. The daughters wanted to "preserve" Lot's seed, so they got Lot drunk on two nights and each daughter had sex with him, thereby impregnating themselves. Both bore sons by their father.

It is interesting to me that "Good Christians" like to use this chapter to point out where "God" says gay is bad. But they tend to ignore the rest of it where "He" says it's okay to punish your wife for not obeying your commands and for daughters to be impregnated by their father. Just another example of the "Good Christian" hypocrisy that turned me off to church a long time ago.

Anyway, I've digressed. My apologies. Back to the point:

I tried to explain my views to B as best as I could without saying anything bad about Aunt Judgy. Not easy but I think I got through a little. After getting home, I felt I had to have a discussion with The Ex about this. I told him what was said and asked him to talk to his sister about it, since I wasn't going to be able to be civil about it and would only cause more issues.

The Ex actually told me that he can't control what his sister says to our daughter. (Really?!) So I had to educate him in how I would approach it if it were my sister planting bad seeds in B's head about him (Back off, Bitch. If you want to brainwash a kid, have one of your own).

Apparently, The Ex later talked to his mommy about it and mommy claimed the discussion happened as a result of a question posed by B. Okay.... I'm not sure how a 1st grader just pops out with "what does Jesus think about gay marriage"... but, whatever. Knowing the discussions that go on (see: white hoods, Jesus hates tattoos, etc) I wouldn't be surprised if they'd been discussing the evils of gay marriage where B could hear them, piquing her curiousity, and prompting a question. Regardless, even IF B had spontaneously asked that question, "Jesus doesn't like it when a girl marries a girl" as a reply to a kid whose mother is gay is never the right answer.

Later that night, I call The Ex's mommy's house to talk to B, who is up there for a week for vacation bible school (yeah, you read that right. Even though I don't agree, I won't keep her from her family). Usually when I call, his mommmy answers the phone and we chat for just a second. I ask how B is, usually using the term "rugrat" which is a term of endearment where I come from. Apparently, mommy finds this insulting and now refuses to speak to me, instead just hands the phone to B to talk. Not that I'm complaining >:-)  When I asked The Ex how he responded to his mommy when she complained, he said he told her he'd talk to me about it. REALLY!!? You're going to "talk to me" about a nickname I call my daughter? The same nickname my mother called me? How about growing a backbone and telling mommy to chill the fuck out?

So now I'm in a position where I've got to try to keep from saying anything negative in front of B (same shit, different day), and fight the brainwashing attempts from them, AND deal with The Ex, who is pretty much a jelly fish when it comes to his parents.

I have a feeling this could get very, very interesting.

Friday, July 2, 2010

First impressions

Now that I've been reminded that I do actually have a blog, I'm feeling like catching up a little...

A few nights ago, I did something out of the recent norm for me and I went out with former co-workers. Several people were getting together to celebrate two promotions; new Sgts. Cuffs and Chatterbox. There were several people out initially, but it ended up being Cuffs, Chatterbox, myself, and two newer officers I had never worked or played with, MD and CMS. I have known Cuffs for my entire career and I've known Chatterbox for about 5 years. MD and CMD are young guys who I have very little experience with at all.

I came into the night with previous notions about who all these people were and how I should behave in response. Cuffs and I have had our dust-ups in the past, but over the last year, especially, those have been put to bed. Chatterbox was someone I would've said was a friend, well, as much as any cop can be a friend to another cop. MD always struck me as a nice guy and hard worker, based on what I'd been told about him. CMD came off as a good cop but a cocky asshole who I wasn't sure if I would like or not. I left that night with my opinions of Cuffs and MD intact but my views of Chatterbox and CMD were drastically altered.

Let me start with CMD: the more I talked with him, the more I came to understand that, like me, he can sometimes rub people the wrong way unintentionally. He's one of those guys that you either love or hate, and he doesn't care which it is. I can respect that, especially since that's quite similar to me. I'm not excusing either of our personality "quirks", but I can understand where he's coming from a lot more than before that night. I had a good time with CMD and count him as a "friend".

Chatterbox, on the other hand, disappointed me. Early in the night, before anyone was too plastered, she told me that she is the gas in the rumor engine at her department. She almost sounded proud. She admitted she had started the rumors flying about another officer and his girlfriend (he was married to someone else) that ultimately ended with that officer being demoted. I'm not saying that officer wasn't in the wrong - he was. But it was none of Chatterbox's business and she inserted herself into it for fun, basically.

Chatterbox finally worked up the liquid courage to ask about my divorce from The Ex and how I became involved with my girlfriend. I have no problem talking about any of that because I am living my life authentically for the first time ever. I've finally stopped lying to myself and have accepted that I am who I am, nothing will change that. I'm happy and healthy, and so is my daughter. So I told her how things happened. She was curious and respectful, which I was pleased to see.

She also confronted me on a few rumors that had been flying about me over the years. OLD rumors. I had heard them myself but did not know she was the reason they'd had momentum as long as they had. None of the rumors she asked about were true and I expressed that to her. I don't know if she believed me or not, and, at this point, I don't really care.

My view of Chatterbox has been significantly damaged. All cops gossip, including me. It's a personality flaw of mine that I hate and I try to avoid it. I know my name is in the rumor mill pretty often for a lot of reasons - I'm a female in a male dominated profession, I am not very good at blending in, I have the kind of personality some people really detest, while a few others tolerate... Since I've been in my current posting (3 years) it's been a lot easier because I don't socialize with the people I work with. However, on the rare occasions I go out with old co-workers, it's hard to remember to shut my mouth. But I'm thinking about it and stopping myself, which is a huge improvement from before.

It's hard for me to be okay with someone saying "no matter what, we all still know you're you and you're always welcome here" and then turning around and telling me, proudly, that her actions have been what has kept a lot of the bullshit rumors about me alive over the last several years. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, but everything she mentioned was flat-out false. Those rumors caused me stress and heartache and I wish I never had to deal with them. I'll take responsibility for my actions, things I've actually done. But it pisses me off to have to deal with lies that are being spread about me for sport.

Additionally, she gleefully admitted to getting involved in other friends' personal lives that were none of her business and telling me details about people I had no business knowing and will never repeat, no matter if they're true or not.

Coming into the night, I had high hopes for her supervisory abilities. I thought she'd be a Sgt. that would have her cops' backs, even when they fucked up. I'm not saying covering up shit is a good idea, but there is a way to support your people even when they're wrong, and to help them get through the consequences.

Now I'm not sure. I don't know if she'll have her peoples' backs or if she'll pick and choose who she supports and who she fucks over. I truly hope my impression is dead wrong and she works like I initially thought she would. Only time will tell.

I wanted to hash it out right there and tell her how much of a load of bullshit that is, but it was a party and no one, including me, wants drama at a party. So I shut my mouth and put on my "grin and bear it" face. At some point, I'm going to have to address it with her or it will continue to eat at me.

On a positive note, Chatterbox's behavior reminded me of what I did not like about my old department; everyone in everyone else's business like it was their right. I don't miss that at all. So I guess the night wasn't a total bust.

Live and Learn

It's been quite a while since I've posted... lots of life going on and not much time for this. In my last post, I was mulling my professional choices. I decided to test for that smaller local agency and made the list. They're planning to hire 4 people and have already hired two, with another to be hired in September and the 4th in January.

While it's difficult for me to keep my pride and ego from being bruised because I feel like I'm the most qualified, experienced officer available to them, I really do believe that whatever happens is for the best.

In the meantime, I've learned a lot about the people around me in the last few months. People who I thought were loyal friends turned out to be less than and people who I thought were backstabbers have surprised me in a good way. Just a reminder that people are completely unpredictable and really can not be fully trusted, especially when looking out for themselves.

I just learned that one of my best friends was promoted to the "big boys" and will be working Major Cases.  She's a former street cop in a really shitty town and has even more experience than I do. I'm so very happy for her, she's definitely earned it.

I also learned that a colleague figured out that I am the author of this blog... Hi, Sgt. Cuffs!!

Another fun accomplishment earned this summer was completion of the Warrior Dash (5k trail run w/obstacles like cargo net climb, mud pits, fire..). It was more fun than I've ever had and I'm definitely going back next year... here are a few pics:

Little hot here...

Post-Dash smiles... Happy Warrior

We earned our free beers

Finisher's medal

All in all a fantastic experience. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants a fun challenge. Go to for details.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Decisions, decisions...

So, I've been mulling over what I'm going to do professionally. For the past 3 years, I've been in an assignment that is, shall we say, boring as fuck. Once in a very great while I get to have a teeny bit of fun (fun=arresting someone, chasing someone, working out an unusually difficult investigation, using my brain). Most of the time, I do relatively little, more administrative and regulatory functions.

Now, I could do this job for a while longer, IF I knew something would be changing. For example, my agency's budget has been raped and pillaged. We were talking layoffs just a few short months ago and, as a compromise, all employees have to take 40 hours of furlough time between January 1 and June 30 2010. Once FY2011 rolls around, no one can really say what is going to happen. We could be right back to the layoff talks. This time, the union has said we won't even consider voting on the issue of furloughs again, even if it means saving jobs. Once is enough. Last time around, I missed the layoff cut by 2 people. Close fggn call. They could decide to lay off more than before, totally within the realm of possibility.

In addition to all that, I drive 63 miles each way to work and home. That's over $300 per month in gas expenditure. Just to go to a job that doesn't challenge me in the least. But the schedule is okay and there eventually should be opportunity to move up and investigate real crime again. Maybe. Assuming I would be given the promotion.

Plus, I really, really, REALLY miss working the street. It's been 3 years . Over that time, I've tried not to think about what I'm missing but I still wonder where my boys are going when I hear or see a squad running Code 3. I still stop and check on officers on traffic stops or other calls when they are alone and I am armed. I can't help it, but it's in my blood. I thought I would be okay without it, but after I left, I had to find something else that filled that adrenaline dump for me. The closest thing was roller derby and that didn't turn out so hot.

So, I've submitted an application with a local department near home. The pay is just a little bit less, but with the money saved on gas, it should work out just about right. No more work related wear and tear on my vehicle. No more being bored out of my mind and unable to do anything about it. Assuming I get hired. I have nearly 10 years experience all told, 7 on the street and 3 in investigations. I'm a DRE, an EMT, and several other acronyms. I think I'll be getting a job offer at some point (fingers crossed).

What has irritated me up to this point is the grape vine. I only turned my resume in Friday. 4 days ago. Yesterday, I was already getting texts about the job from other cops. Holy crap, that's got to be a new land speed record.

On another note, I saw this link on another cop's blog. I checked it out and was really touched. Take a look at A Little Pink in a World of Camo

Thursday, March 11, 2010

New Pack Member

Here's my new pack member, Swag. He's a French Bulldog and the laziest damn puppy I've ever seen. Love him.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

My Desk-Riding Suit...

It's been a couple of years since I worked the road. During my time doing it, I loved interdiction stops, consent searches, and using the narcotics detection dogs. LOVED. In the time since I stopped working the road, I've been driving a desk. Not much interdicting to be done from there. I also have about an hour drive to and from work, which isn't all that great. However, once in a great while, it provides me the opportunity to have a little fun.

I was headed home last week when I went to pass a piece of shit early 90's Ford Escort. There were 3 people in it and it was the only other car in sight. As I passed I saw the front passenger tapping his one hitter pipe that was made to look like a cigarette on his window. After I was in front of them, I watched the passenger light up and take a few hits.

Now, sure, it's probably just a simple possession charge, along with drug paraphernalia. But remember, I drive a desk. So I am arguing with myself about whether or not I'm going to call it in. As I'm doing this, I notice that the driver isn't doing too hot at maintaining his speed. We're on the Interstate and he's going anywhere from 55 to 80. This won out the argument and I called.

Long story short, they were eventually stopped by my former agency and a County Deputy. I stopped as well, since I knew all the cops, and they let me play. Remember, I live in the Midwest and it is cold here.

So I'm out playing real cop. Of course, the 16 year old passenger who I clearly saw with the pipe is lying right to my face. Nothing has changed there in the last 3 years. When I point-blanked him about it he said "I never did that". And he would've been pretty convincing to anyone who hadn't seen him do it. I was marginally impressed with his lying ability, if there is such a thing. In my conversation with the youngster, he tells me that dear ol' dad is serving 40-45 years in prison for Attempted Murder and Arson and tells me dad's name. Must have learned how to lie and douchebaggery in general from his pop. By this time, I'm floored with the shock of how everything is different (sarcasm here, people).

The driver denied consent to search. Again, nothing has changed. So another officer brought his narcotics detection dog and - SURPRISE - the dog alerted on the car. Of course, there's dope and the very same pipe I saw the juvenile idiot with right where he was sitting. Nothing new.

The juvie got brand new shiny bracelets and the other two young 'uns had to wait an hour for mommy to come pick them up. I later checked on junior's "prison dad" story. Dad was actually convicted of arson and burglary and is doing two concurrent 15 year sentences. The kid can't even tell the truth about that.

I was surprised, legitimately, by one thing. As I was walking back to my car, I noticed that I was a lot colder than I used to be. I used to wear layers of Under Armour and long johns under my winter uniform and rarely, if ever used a coat. On this night, wearing the warmest winter coat I've ever had, my teeth were chattering and I couldn't clench my fists well due to the cold. Then I realized why I was so cold - Desk-Riding Suits weren't made for traffic stops.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Healthier.... ugh

Alright, so I'm back in the gym and eating better. I have cut down from up to 5 Pepsis a day to one 8 ounce cup of fountain Coke on the days I work. I've stopped eating Pizza every day. In fact, in the past 2 weeks, I've had exactly 2 slices. I hate it.

But, I feel better. Remarkably so. I joined a new gym that has CrossFit classes, which I love. For those of you who do not know what CrossFit is, try these links: CrossFit Brand, or CrossFit Review in NY Times. The thing I like most about CrossFit (aside from the very challenging and ever-changing workouts) is that CrossFit is as tough as you are willing to make it. All of the criticism in the the NY Times article strike me as being borne out of the mistakes of people who pushed too far. There's pushing yourself to improve and pushing yourself to your own destruction. The important thing is knowing where that line is.

I haven't been on a scale in the last few weeks - SCALES ARE MY ENEMY. Instead, I'm judging my progress on how strong I feel and how my clothes fit. So far, so good.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

I'm crazy...

I must be insane.  I signed up to run the Warrior Dash. But it has gotten me motivated to get back on the workout horse. I've been in "OM NOM NOM!!" phase for too long.

Each year I try to find an event that motivates me to keep exercising. Last year, I got into Roller Derby (and destroyed my knee). The year before that, the Bix - a 7 mile run that is uphill both ways. No shit. The year before that was my second Academy.

The Warrior Dash is unlike any event I've done before and I'm pretty excited for it. The event itself looks challenging and fun, plus you get a cool Viking helmut and beer drinking is encouraging.

There are Warrior Dash events all over the country. You should check it out.